Intimacy

10 04 2010

Intimacy by Hanif Kureishi

“You don’t stop loving someone just because you hate them.” The best line from the book!

I have just finished Hanif Kureishi’s book Intimacy. It was a quick read and no effort at all. I liked the honesty with which he writes about the most intimate things he thinks and does, including masturbation. It was no surprise to me then, to learn that he started his career in the ’70s as a writer of pornography.

The story begins by describing the life of a married man who is about to leave his wife and two small sons. As the tale progresses, the writer explores their life and explains the reasons the man desires something different. He is obsessed with an ex-girlfriend and she is a constant background figure in the book.

While reading, I kept wondering if the man would actually leave his wife or not. In the end he does. However, I was not convinced by the reasons he left her. I thought she would have been astonished to wake up in the morning and find him gone… with no explanation, no conversations or attempts to mend things.

Is this how people really split? Or maybe the conversations come afterwards. But then what? Will he go back to her?

I think the book is not yet complete!





A small moan…

2 03 2010





Words of wisdom on sex for…(who knows!)

8 10 2009

Flipping through a book recently, I came across Ward’s words of wisdom for husbands and wives (heavens, not another good wife’s guide!!! I thought).

Sex

Have it first, then get married. But remember that as soon as you get married it’s going to change, because somewhere along the line one of you is going to realize that where once you were having a wholesome sexual relationship with somebody, all of a sudden you’re sleeping with a relative.


And immediately I was struck by a series of questions which I present to you in the order they came to mind:

The first one is, how much does starting to live with the person you are having sex with affect your sexual relationship? I mean, assuming that you now know what she looks like early in the morning before she (or if you are with a man, he) washes her face, assuming you hear her snoring in her sleep, assuming you don’t wear sexy red lingerie every night now, what other changes come along? It’s something I’ve always been curious about and discussed with friends. The most comfortable answer I’ve got is along the lines of ‘yes, the sex loses its intensity but it also brings about a lot of commitment and intimacy which is the good part of living with (or being married to) your partner’. Other answers differ, going from ‘we don’t have sex now but we love each other and sex shouldn’t be such a major part of a serious relationship’ to ‘as the relationship matures, there are other things that are more important’ to ‘oh we still have a lot of sex and use different techniques to keep ourselves interested in each other’.

So fine. But let’s say the sex is not there or disappearing as slowly as the smile of the Cheshire Cat, what is the next step?

Do you immediately call it a halt, part amicably, fall in love (and sex) again and do the cycle again?

Do you let each other veer away towards an open relationship?

Do you state that if you are not having sex, 10 years into the relationship, you are not in a romantic relationship anymore, and go back to step 1?

Do you continue as is because change is difficult and you love each other?

What say you?

-Vak-