A bi-vangelical moment

24 08 2010

GUEST WRITER – the Fencesitter

I’m fed up now. Everyone is talking the queer talk, but when the chips are down our lesbian sisters are just not walking the walk and keeping it cool with their bi-sisters . I want to be down with my dyke lovers, partners, sisters and friends,  and be part of their cuddly queer family. I am, after all, the very essence of queer. I love both women and men – sometimes at the same time, sometimes one at a time. I blur the boundaries of gay/straight and confuse my partners, lovers, friends, parents and child.

I’m not one thing or another. I’m bisexual.

I have tried being straight and being a dyke. It would be cleaner and easier for people to digest. But it’s not me. And anyhow I thought that’s what we were all meant to do? Rise up, love ourselves for who we are and stand proud?

So why do we bisexual women throw such a spanner in the works of the queer community, especially for dykes? Why do they get so furious with us? Why is it hard to just let us be? We do really, really love you (you do know that, don’t you?).  It’s just that we can love and have sex with men also.

It’s like, just when you think you have found some friends, they bloody attack you on the basis that you are NOT enough like them. I’ve actually been refused entry to queer clubs because scary butch bouncers asked me if I was a dyke and I told the truth. Where’s the community in that?

I mean, I get all the stuff about protecting lesbian space and identity. I understand. It’s an identity that needs as much support as it can get. But is blocking out the ‘fencesitters’ the way to go? (And I know we are not meant to mention it, but I know quite a few of my dyke sisters who like a bit of ‘male on them’ action now and then…)

So here in my bi-sermon is a non-exhaustive list of all the comments on my sexuality I have received – and my translation of those comments back into how they might sound delivered to a lesbian sister. Fellow bi-women, please print these off and laminate them for use in the war at the frontier of control on our sexuality – as the spit begins to fly off the moral high ground you can just keep wiping it away and read back these answers to the shit we have to deal with. It will save energy and head space that can be used for more interesting topics.

What I’ve had said to me by dykes:

It’s just a phase – you’ll grow up to be a lesbian


It’s just a phase, you’ll grow up to be straight or if you are really lucky, bi

What I’ve had said to me by dykes:

You are confused


You are confused

What I’ve had said to me by dykes:

You have not met the right woman yet


You need some real cock to sort you out

What I’ve had said to me by dykes:

You don’t know what you want



What I’ve had said to me by dykes:

You are not really bisexual – you are so good in bed and really turn me on


(Blush and small giggle – we’ll let that one go)

What I’ve had said to me by dykes:

You’ll leave me for a man


You’ll leave me for a woman

What I’ve had said to me by dykes:

How do you know what to do in bed?



What I’ve had said to me by dykes:

You are a fence-sitter


I’ve got a good view from up here

What I’ve had said to me by dykes:

You want to have your cake and eat it


Why not?

I hope these handy frequently uttered insults and handy responses prove useful. After all, when people tell me that being bi means never being short of a date, I just smile. Because I know that being bi means my quality standards can be so much higher than either straight or gay can manage – because I’ve got so much more choice. Come on over to our side. The sun is out and we don’t care who you sleep with.



10 responses

24 08 2010
Top Of My Head

You want an honest answer? And, this is just from my limited perspective.

1. Bi-sexual women give the right hope that this is just a phase for all of us. If you can love a man, like you loved a woman, you might just stay that way (i.e. straight) and if you can stay straight, the rest of us can, too.

2. You’re different. And, different is scary. Hence the reason so many people are bigots. Fear.

3. I know you don’t like this, but it is true, there’s a fear that you will leave us. You will find that hunk of manhood that melts your butter and off you will go. After all, if you can’t make a commitment to your own sexuality, how can you make a commitment to someone else?

Now, I’m not saying that I believe these things, well, honestly, maybe the first one – a little – and only because I’m tired of hearing about how so and so went gay and then became straight.

However; I am sorry that you are mistreated in lesbian society. It isn’t right. It isn’t fair. It isn’t the way people who want to be included in mainstream society should act toward someone else.

25 08 2010

if u are bi – doesnt it mean, when u r with a man u r str8 and when with a woman u r gay? why complicat tings?

25 08 2010

(That anon commenter is an idiot).

I dislike biphobia + have written about it a few times, last time was for a south african queer site. I argue tolerance and lesbians went yeh whatever… Biphobia is illogical.

26 08 2010

From a personal point of view: i once dated a bi woman. It didnt really work and since then i have avoided them. during that time i felt that all i had to give her was myself – and that was not enough it seems. The security of a marraige, the ability to not have to worry about money if your man is earning for you both, the ability to have a family more easily – were too attractive i suppose. it is an easier life after all. All of this is possible with a lesbian too of course but the road is UPHILL and not everyone can take the long haul..and the pressures of conservative south asian society!. To be in the long haul i think you need to be really committed to being a lesbian, physically mentally and POLITICALLY. so yes, fear also plays a major role in my avoidance of bi women. but i love my Bi freinds (including you!) – you make my life richer…

27 08 2010

Nice blog!
May i put your link on my blog and our blog reading spot අඹ ගහ යට?

31 08 2010
The Fencesitter

Hi All – I’m back.

To Top of my Head – yes I can see that those are real fears – and people could just be a little bit scared of us because it reminds them of how they might be. Bi-phobia does have the ring of self righteous about it – like homophobia – and that normally spells denial. And of course we are committed to our sexuality – just like everyone else.

thanks to me – yep its just darn illogical – and I think in about 10 years – we will be looking back in horror at the stuff that queers thought was okay to say to other queers in public spaces (or private ones)

Now Varad – my dear dear friend – I have to take more time with your comments. I’m going to insert another often discriminated against people into what you said – and see how it sounds……

” I love my black friends – you make my life richer…..I once dated a black women, it did not work out and since then I avoid them”.

Kind of rough no ?

I know know it could be seen differently – and inserting black instead of bi makes the comment somewhat starker. But it does sound un-sayable. If a straight girl said to you she would never date a lesbian because she did it once and it did not work out – you might try and dissuade her.

I know you maybe felt hurt by that experience. But many women choose men or women as partners because – they make them laugh, they make them sing, they turn them on, they make them talk – and not for financial security or for baby making. Maybe she fell in love with him like she fell in love with you ?

And darlin’ heart would you not have been defined as bisexual at that point in time by the nature of your own relationships?

If I’m with a woman I want it to be because I’m into her and committed to her – not for the political struggle.

(Although that will be part of the picture – as it is for some straight couples.)


1 09 2010

yes harsh and not what i said at all. My point is only that I am not open to persuing a romantic relationship with someone who identifies as bi. thats all really. my perogative.

13 09 2010
Definitely bi

Fencesitter, thank you for the glorious bi-talk! It’s incredible how invisible I feel in both “straight” and “gay” spaces at times – as though being bisexual is a matter of shame. Many lesbian sisters, at least, must know how painful and disempowering the politics of invisibility and shame can be to the sense of the self, the person. I really wish people would reexamine their “personal point of view” and their “prerogative” and admit how damaging these things can be to the others. And, of course, to the very idea of being politically committed to loving women.

Oh, a bi friend just told me that Sep 23 is Celebrate Bisexuality Day. That such a day exists tells you so much; that we hardly know about it (at least I didn’t until yesterday) tells you the rest.

12 10 2011

Just a lil comment on this subject, i think bisexual women are strong in character and can easily make the decision of who they wanna be with, be it man or woman, whater is fair. The think i dont agree on is that they should have the right to choose to be with 2 ppl at the same time as you say, cz thats not far on any of the partners they choose. So bi women, have a conscience, stay in control of yor imotions most impotantly and make your decisions wisely instead of being hasty… 🙂 by the way i speak thru experience coz im bi and ive faithfully been wity my gf for over 6 years, so i dont see any reason why another bi woman couldnt do the same if they realy wanted to!

12 10 2011

Sorry about the typos. My android keypad is driving me nuts!

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