Getting on the long distance railroad, aka an LDR

22 03 2010

A close friend once told me ‘don’t do a long distance relationship’. But the thing with long distance relationships is that you sometimes don’t have a choice. Or you do (you always have a choice, right?), but it’s not a choice you feel you have. A long time ago, when I was planning a lengthy stay away from my girlfriend, a friend asked me, “are you going to break up before you leave?” The question seemed ludicrous. Why would I end a stable, wholesome, loving relationship just because I was leaving for a while?

ldrMany years later, another friend asked me why I couldn’t ‘fix’ things in a relationship that had already come through the long distance railroad with flying colours. And I thought back and realised it hadn’t come through with flying colours. Many things that went wrong stemmed from that time apart. The signs are there, you just don’t see them. We think nostalgically about planning the day without having to think of another person’s schedule. We resent not being able to go out whenever one wants to go out. We wish things were the way they were ‘before’ the lengthy stay apart. But you don’t know how to get the train back on track. Or maybe you do but you don’t want to. Or maybe you want to but don’t know how. Who knows.


"...and despite dna predictions of incompatibility"

Or maybe, it was just the differences that grew over the time spent apart. So, the distance only showed you the cracks and you don’t know how to fill them up. Or maybe you do but you don’t want to. Or maybe you want to but don’t know how. Who knows.



6 responses

23 03 2010

been there, done that. too much trouble than is should be, imo.

23 03 2010

That would depend on how much it’s wanted by both no 🙂

23 03 2010

me too, been there..kept thinking should i go or should i stay…in the end i stayed but once in a rare while i think of what life would have been if i went. no regrets though.

24 03 2010

i dont think its possible to successfully maintain a traditional monogamous relationship on a long term basis in this manner. but it could be an enlightening experience to attempt the numerous alternative relationship modes that can offer themselves for consideration, if one is interested in such things… 🙂

25 04 2010

What ARE some of these alternative relationship modes?I wish someone would put a list 🙂

26 04 2010

You could organize it so that one person has a (secondary) relationship in the place they are in with a visiting arrangement for the other (primary) person.

You could both agree to take (one) lover each for the time you are apart.

You could both agree to see the same person who would visit both of you regularly.

You could totally open your relationship up for the time you are apart. (I know someone who arranged a ‘not more than three times with the same person’ deal with their primary partner, for the time they were apart) ….and so on.

All of these involve letting go of the idea of monogamy at least temporarily, which is the biggest challenge.

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