Priceless responses by open-minded, liberal-thinking women

26 02 2010
  1. “Leave her for a few days at a time.” On breaking up with pull-all-stops partner.
  2. “Meet and talk to her.” Aka – Don’t worry about your feelings, just think of her demands.
  3. “It’s easy for her because she was the one who left.”  Walking out of home and living out of a suitcase is good training for nirvana.
  4. “You told too many people.” On confiding in mutual friends after partner told all and sundry.
  5. “You must also take responsibility.” For a violent end to a long-term relationship.
  6. “No proper handing over of duties.” On stopping volunteer work under no-way-can-you-go-there circumstances.
  7. “You chose to leave, so it’s not your house anymore.” On leaving home after a violent incident with no option of going back.
  8. “She can’t advise you because she is straight”. So she doesn’t know what happens when people are in relationships?
  9. “People will talk if you’re seen around with X.” Two months after the end of the relationship.

And of course, the best:

10. “Prove you’re not committing adultery”. To  reassure suspicious partner who sneak-peeks into text and mail.

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8 responses

10 03 2010
Santhoshi

So true..

11 03 2010
Tortilla

Yo no se, Vak. Are you saying that if you don’t agree with the quoted statements above that you are more open-minded and liberal? How do you know when your responsibility to your own happiness versus another’s begins and ends? Deseo que supeira, amiga mia!

13 03 2010
Vak

It is true, sometimes that line between our happiness or another’s is not very clear. But I think there are certain situations/contexts when no hesitation is required. eg. when relationships break down it may be difficult to come to terms with the ‘why?’ but relationships are agreements which come to an end when one party rescinds on the agreement and trying to stop the other leaving indicates a lack of respect for that person’s feelings or sense of self!

To me the issue is that we frequently talk about our politics [even if we don’t say the P word, we use words such as ‘rights, values, ethics’] as women who love women or feminists or just open-minded women, but the telling is in how you react and respond to events in your own backyard.

I have also noticed that when the problems are in a same-sex relationship, people around you don’t feel that some things are violations because, after all, it is done by another woman!

13 03 2010
Tortilla

Vak, I’m envious of your ability to move from the theory to the practice of every day life. You are able to see clear delineation between the liberal and the non-open minded person; the actions one should take and not take; the body and the mind; reasonable requests and perverse demands. But I hesitate.

For me, life is messy, unharnessable, and always, always overflowing from constructed boxes. It rarely fits easily into relationship agreements, places of no hesitation, or a clear sense of blame and exoneration.

And yet, I think, you are the one who is right; in order to practice ‘our politics’ in the everyday we have to take a stand and divorce it from theory to forge ahead.

15 03 2010
Vak

Nona: the responses were from women who were and were not trying to help. And they are all from women who are actively engaged in making life better for women, which is why it is important for us to weigh these in comparison. For me, it is not enough to think they were trying to help – which results in the fond tolerance of all things stated. I need to also think, place them in the context of what we are doing with our lives.

Tortilla: For me as for you life is messy and unharnessable. Hence the search for clarity! I want to live my theory. What is the point of working hard to make life more than bearable for women if we don’t apply the theory in our own lives, as much as possible? At the same time, let’s thank life for overflowing from constructed boxes, si? 🙂 I would dread to think what our lives would be if they were contained in those boxes.

16 03 2010
Tortilla

Hola Chicas!

There is something still troubling me about the claim to (un)open-mindedness: I think we have to live our politics without immediately coming to judge those who disagree as persons who are fundamentally wrong and therefore, need to be scolded. The affects can obviously be divisive.

Perhaps we have to recognize the ambiguity of life and the different perspectives people bring to the table to overcome the need to accuse the other of either being an ‘antifeminist’ or on the other side a ‘privileged intellectual’. Recognition of ambiguity could allow us to live our politics by going beyond the judgments of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’.

If we could see that our sameness lies in the fact that we each espouse a situated and only partial truth – which also rests upon emotional (a la Nona and Vatura) and intellectual abilities – perhaps we could move beyond the divisiveness and move towards constructive dialogues. But again in the practice of everyday life sometimes this is easier said than done.

13 03 2010
nona

realtionships are more than just agreements – they involve real people with real emotions – jealousy, hurt, and real love that all seem to be heightenied when things break down… so easy to say but not to do.
besides i cant help thinking that these response probabaly came from someone who was trying to help even though you may not feel/think so!

13 03 2010
vatura

But all the uncontrolled behavior in a breakup (due, as you say, to jealousy, hurt and ‘real love’) is also someone’s desire to indulge their own grief at the other’s expense. It is emotionally manipulative behavior. Surely real love would mean suffering the pain of the parting with dignity and strength, (NOT by making the other person feel guilty and shamed) and by giving them the space they need to go in peace, as a friend. That is honorable and that is the responsibility we all have but do not always acknowledge. How can we equate real love with tantrums?

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