What is love?

29 12 2009

Three of us pondered an ancient question.

1.

We talk about love so much, I don’t even know if there is anything much left worth saying about love. I mean, what is love anyway? A feeling? A chemical reaction? A moment? Someone meant to happen to you? Who knows?

One thing I’ve seen over the years is that there are very few ways we love. In between those few ways, there will be many shades. But really, there isn’t that much difference about the way we love whether we are male, female, lesbian or just plain straight.

Some hurt because they love and others cause hurt for love. You may want to keep her with you because you love and I may want to walk away because I love. In the end, what do you call love anyway?

Is it when you hurt so much that you feel you are in a bottomless pit and everything is dark around you? Is it when you look around and only see the gap the other person has left? Or is it being able to share the pain and chaos of everything around you? And feel secure and cherished? Or are they both love?

How do you love?

2.

Some people love by letting go. Like the old saying: “If you love someone, set them free. If they come back to you they’re yours, if they don’t it was never meant to be.”

I think that means – if someone wants to be with you they will. If they don’t they won’t! Not much we can do!

I used to love obsessively – write her name in my blood and carve it on my skin. But I was 13 then. I have not loved like that since. But that first love is the only one in which you are irrational and possessed. Every other love is more pondered upon; you are slower in letting go and slower in giving yourself. Indeed, I believe that in any true love one should not give oneself completely. You have to keep some part of yourself for yourself. It maintains your own self-respect and also that of the other person in your life. You are yourself first and only then one part of couple. If you are not strong, not self-respecting, then the couple will not be any of those things either.

3.

I think love is the hidden and very convoluted reason for everything everyone does in their life – whoever they are. Even the murderer’s motives might track back to love – the need for or the lack of it. We don’t often realize this – how deep it goes and how the need for love governs the strongest of us. I don’t even think we really understand how much of our actions and thoughts are caused by chemical reactions, environment, history and the ways in which our brains work. That may be why we mistake so many other feelings, reactions and situations for true love and end up in co-dependent, infantile, unsatisfying or downright abusive relationships.

I think love and loving, like other skills, must be learned – often or maybe always through pain. But the process must be pursued and till one can love like an adult – with strength of mind, responsibility and courage, one is not really loving anyone but oneself.

But I also believe that once we achieve that level of understanding of our own minds and hearts, all kinds of magic will happen.

And that’s the point.





Good advice

25 12 2009

“I don’t need no good advice
I’m already wasted…” (Girls Aloud)

Our questions are….

A.  What’s the best piece of advice you ever got?

B.   What’s the best piece of advice you ever gave?

Write to us at aappathachchiya@gmail.com or comment here.





When you sleep

21 12 2009

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9KsIwHGnkI

When you sleep

Cake

When you sleep
Where do your fingers go?
What do your fingers know?
What do your fingers show?
Where do your fingers go?
When you sleep

Do they tremble on the edge of the bed?
Or do you fold them neatly by your head?
Do they clench like claws against your own skin
When you’re living your day all over again?
When you sleep

When you sleep where do your fingers go?
What do your fingers know?
What do your fingers show?
Where do your fingers go?

Do they play guitar in a Latin bar?
Are they strangers or lovers?
Do they drive your car?
Are they swimming submissively?
Sex acts of life
Or just cutting through Jello with a very sharp knife?

Now, Zeus was a womanizer
Always on the make
But Hera usually punished her
That Zeus was one to take

When you sleep
Where do your fingers go?
Are they pulling out weeds from the dusty soil
But then never rewarded with the fruits of their toil?
Are they scratching their nails on the chalkboards of death
Only seeking attention when everyone in the room has left?

When you sleep
When you sleep, where do your fingers go?
What do your fingers know?
What do your fingers show?
Where do your fingers go?
When you sleep

Do they tremble on the edge of the bed?
Or do you fold them neatly by your head?





So what do you do in bed?

17 12 2009

Why are straight men so curious about what lesbians do in bed?

We’ve been researching this phenomenon and comparing personal experiences and for a start let’s be very clear – this is no myth. Most straight men are intensely curious about and turned on by the idea of two women having sex. We’re not sure about the definition of ‘lesbian’ being of any importance whatsoever in this situation, because male  interest in lesbian sex has nothing to do with love or any emotional engagement the women may have with each other. It’s purely about the sex. The women could be perfectly straight and acting out a fantasydesigned for men, (which seems to be the usual case in the porn magazines and movies anyway), it would make no difference to a male audience. They just like the idea of non- threatening action.

One of the theories we read about was that men believe that lesbian women are simply bi-sexual. So they always have a chance to get in there too and this sustains their interest. There is also the belief that women cannot satisfy each other and therefore will always need a man in order to have an orgasm anyway.

What women do together in bed is not something that is discussed in public much (whereas straight sex is incessantly discussed in offices, bars, parties and – well everywhere and all the time…). So it has become a secret, thrilling but unimaginable activity. Very few people in the straight world have any idea what it is, because most of their information comes from porn movies which are just bad acting anyway.

And finally simply that it is a secret or ‘forbidden’ act in many societies and even in a liberated environment, it is still not the norm. So there is a thrill in that fact as well….that it is ‘unnatural’. And that’s always fascinating.

In the end one might actually conclude that most men don’t really ‘believe’ in lesbian sex as real, or at any rate something that could stand comparison in every way with the male-female sex act. It is always something to be mocked, forbidden, tolerated, peered at or indulged. It is not really real.

In the case of straight women and how this phenomenon effects their activities, it does seem to have become ‘cool’ to appear to be the sort of woman who is so liberated she can occasionally experiment with another woman or women. But that does not – god forbid, make them in any way ‘lesbian’ – a definition that remains unacceptable at any level to most.

Dabbling in lesbian sex is also attractive to otherwise straight women because their men often love the idea that their girlfriends are liberated enough to go for same-sex experiments, especially as they often get in on the action at some point anyway. In these cases it’s not an act kept secret from men, it is shared. Such situations are simply about people having sex for the sake of it. Lesbian politics and personal choices do not enter into the discussion at all, which is why many women who define as lesbian find it all somewhat infuriating.

And finally, a thought: do straight women find the idea of two men in bed together sexy and attractive too?

We believe not. But why not? Why is the perception of homosexuality and the sex act between men so different to women?

Is it just that women have been sex objects forever and this is just another example of that sad situation…?





Calling all Butch Lesbians

14 12 2009

At least one criterion under Checklist 1 must be fulfilled as a pre-requisite by Candidate for above post, in addition to the criteria under the Secondary Checklist.

Checklist 1

Please select a minimum of one of the following categories. It is not possible to pre-empt, circumvent or vent them in any way:

  1. You were born a lesbian
  2. You realized you were a lesbian later on in life. However, you have documentary proof that you never liked men
  3. You liked women before identifying as lesbian. However, due to unmentionable but understandable pressures, you were in the emotional state frequently described by professional lesbians as ‘denial’*

Secondary Checklist

Please check at least 8 (including 1 & 2)

  1. Wear men’s clothing or unisex forms of dress (e.g. of unisex clothes: kurta, skinnies, linen pants)
  2. Exhibit  walk with no signs of movement that can be classified as swing, sway and/or sashay
  3. Wear your hair short cut in a men’s hair salon and/or the men’s section of a unisex hair salon by a male hair stylist
  4. Walk disdainfully past the women’s clothes section and shop in the men’s section in clothing stores
  5. Store  enough stationery in wallet to enable one bulging butt
  6. Indicate revulsion when asked to wear make-up, sari, skirts**
  7. Socialize with men at the level generally accepted as ‘buddy’
  8. Demonstrate very little cooking  skills OR level of culinary skills considered near professional
  9. Prove regular attention from attractive non-butch females at social events
  10. Sport accessories in the following categories: leather or steel arm bands,  rings without flowers or heart designs, wristwatches preferably 1’ in width

PLEASE NOTE: Bonus points will be given to the candidate if she was refused entry to a popular nightclub on Duplication Road, Colombo 04 at least once (conditions apply***)

*Reports of candidate liking men during the period of denial will not be taken as evidence of being a non-butch lesbian at present

**If in doubt over a particular item of clothing, it must be submitted to unanimous approval by a minimum of 3 Butches

***Candidate must have been refused entry without any explanation and must be able to name witnesses to the event





‘Amma’

11 12 2009

Tamil Sri Lankan-American, political theatre artist/writer and music producer…D’loco Kid performs ‘Amma’. Brilliant.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=laGWzJKSyF4





Do you believe in forever?

9 12 2009
Write to us: aappathachchiya@gmail.com or comment here




The need to pee

7 12 2009

Sometimes, when I need to pee badly and have no access to a toilet, I find myself wishing I was a man. It’s the only moment in my life that I really and truly wish I was a man and could piss while standing up. However, having said that, I must admit that whenever I see a man standing by the road with his arse half bare, pissing onto the stump of a tree or someone’s white wall or the foot of the road sign, I’m tempted to shout “Chee, chee!” (and I have often done this, to the dismay of my friends.)

But seriously, why do so many men piss on the roads as if they were in a public toilet? There are some corners of this city where the smell of human urine is so overpowering one can hardly keep from gagging. Yet, it is a perfectly accepted activity with no shame or penalty attached to it. So how can we get men to stop pissing on the road in public view as if the city was one big public lavatory?

I grant the fact that the rarity of public toilets in this country is the major factor in this problem, but is that good enough reason to expose oneself to every passerby? Surely women need to piss as often as men? But can you imagine the uproar if one of us decided to squat on the roadside and piss?

So what’s the difference? Apart from the fact that it is one of those gross things that men just like to do (along with gaping, belching, farting and scratching their balls in public), it is also because men are free to please themselves in this as in so much else, whereas women must be constantly responsible, well-behaved and submissive to every rule and tradition – social, political, personal. However idiotic, irrational, cruel or unjust, we must toe the line. The rules and regulations, such as they are, are all designed to privilege the male over female in all things great or small.

Now this is not an argument for women to win the freedom to piss in public. We wouldn’t be using that particular freedom even if we were encouraged to. But it is just one more example of the numerous ways in which South Asian Men are privileged over women, with no sense of responsibility or accountability for virtually anything they do.





Does NO mean no?

4 12 2009

street drama on sexual harrassment

On a rainy afternoon on Wednesday I had the pleasure of witnessing a street drama outside the Fort Railway station. The focus was on the prevention of sexual harassment on public transport. Some very energetic and young performers enacted a scene in which a woman was in the railway station waiting to board the train. A guy comes next to her and pinches her. She is shocked and goes to another guy and tells him what just happened. This second guy listens to her and pretends to protect her at first but later he too tries his luck with her, making sexual advances! Why are women harassed on the buses and trains? What can be done about it?