Words of wisdom on sex for…(who knows!)

8 10 2009

Flipping through a book recently, I came across Ward’s words of wisdom for husbands and wives (heavens, not another good wife’s guide!!! I thought).


Have it first, then get married. But remember that as soon as you get married it’s going to change, because somewhere along the line one of you is going to realize that where once you were having a wholesome sexual relationship with somebody, all of a sudden you’re sleeping with a relative.

And immediately I was struck by a series of questions which I present to you in the order they came to mind:

The first one is, how much does starting to live with the person you are having sex with affect your sexual relationship? I mean, assuming that you now know what she looks like early in the morning before she (or if you are with a man, he) washes her face, assuming you hear her snoring in her sleep, assuming you don’t wear sexy red lingerie every night now, what other changes come along? It’s something I’ve always been curious about and discussed with friends. The most comfortable answer I’ve got is along the lines of ‘yes, the sex loses its intensity but it also brings about a lot of commitment and intimacy which is the good part of living with (or being married to) your partner’. Other answers differ, going from ‘we don’t have sex now but we love each other and sex shouldn’t be such a major part of a serious relationship’ to ‘as the relationship matures, there are other things that are more important’ to ‘oh we still have a lot of sex and use different techniques to keep ourselves interested in each other’.

So fine. But let’s say the sex is not there or disappearing as slowly as the smile of the Cheshire Cat, what is the next step?

Do you immediately call it a halt, part amicably, fall in love (and sex) again and do the cycle again?

Do you let each other veer away towards an open relationship?

Do you state that if you are not having sex, 10 years into the relationship, you are not in a romantic relationship anymore, and go back to step 1?

Do you continue as is because change is difficult and you love each other?

What say you?




3 responses

9 10 2009
pol sambol

If we knew the answers to these questions we would be sex advisers and making millions!

15 10 2009

This is something I could talk to you about for a whole day, but I’ll be brief.

I agree with living together before marriage. Going forward from there, I guess the trick is not to take each other for granted and and not to take marriage so seriously. I mean, just because you are married, you should not stop letting your wife have a girl’s night-out or doing her own thing like pampering herself on a Sunday morning, right? And of course, vice-versa.

Marriage is just a piece of paper, but love and commitment do not require licences. Trust and personal space are very important in a relationship, and as long as we don’t become, or convert to, “married people” life is going to be as exciting as it was before. Excitement is what drives sexual life, marriage (or kids thereafter) should not take it away from a relationship.

Even if you have kids, make sure there’s sufficient “quality time” reserved only for you two. Personally, we have a “theme night” every week and often my kids spend weekends with my sisters (used to; they are with the ex now).

Besides, Sri Lankan society largely tends to think that night is the only time for sex, and bedroom is the only place. If those are the ground rules, you have killed the sexual aspect altogether in a lifelong relationship. Less barriers, the better. Keep an open mind and a sufficient supply of stimulants and anyone should be fine. The most important thing is not to settle in to a routine and do things out of sense of responsibility. Making love should not a be one’s job; the desire should come from deep within…

And personally, never forget the moment you fell in love. Always remember the first time you ever saw the rays of sunlight lighting up her beautiful face. And don’t forget to dress up for each other and look good always, don’t forget the courting days…

More to be said, but you get the gist. This, coming from a divorcee, a used-to-be single-dad in Colombo, and happily married husband who’s blessed with a second chance. 😉

Like I said, lots of things to say – but kept it to a minimum. BTW, like your blog, keep it up!

17 10 2009

I think the other larger question is: is there a point when you still love the person but fall out of love also, so that the romance is gone? Or can you be not in love but have the romance in the relationship?

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