It’s alright if she doesn’t go to the same coffee shop!

I shocked my mother when I was 17 years old when I said I saw nothing wrong in ‘living together’ as opposed to marriage. My mother was appalled. The first remedy was to tell me that it was a bad thing that would never be tolerated by her or my family. It didn’t stop there. How could a daughter who couldn’t see anything wrong with a man and a woman living together be trusted with finding a suitable man for marriage? Thereafter, no opportunity was lost in narrating tales of cousins getting married to ‘nice boys’ and the problems faced by friends’ daughters who got married to boys who were not from the same ‘family background’. Imagine her delight when she found out that I was going out with a nice boy (‘at least no need to worry about family background’) and her despair when she found out several years later that the nice boy had been ditched because he was not suitable (‘all men are possessive and want their wife to look after them’)!

While I was going out with the unsuitable nice boy I was asked a question by my guru. How is it that you fall in love only with a man from the same ethnic group, religion, and social class as you? Many times in my life I have thought of that question. All these categories are hard to cross: sex, ethnicity, religion, social class. Friends and relatives have crossed the lines of religion and ethnicity. It was not that difficult, it seemed to me, but maybe that was because I don’t care much about either. Falling in love with a woman didn’t bring me the trauma everyone expected. But maybe that was because I already had the politics for it. It seemed to me that of all things, social class was the most taboo. Invisible walls stop you from partnering with someone from a different social class. Nobody tells you you mustn’t, but it is understood that you shouldn’t.

But what the fuck? Why should love be bound by those walls? Who cares if your family becomes standoffish with the other family? They can stay away from your place. Who cares if you don’t have memories of the same hangout places? Just go hangout somewhere else! Who cares if friends can’t find common people to gossip about? If they don’t like it they can stop coming over! Who cares if you don’t sing the same songs and have the same group of friends? You can learn each other’s songs and hang out with everyone. Who cares if you don’t think in the same language? You can tell each other your dreams, you can still hold hands, and you can still make love.

Two things I hate

Papaya: supposedly the most nutritious fruit ever known to Sri Lankan kind: totally repellent to me and my worst nightmare – and one I share with my sister.

Once we went to a beauty salon and were lying side by side while having a facial. We were totally relaxed with our eyes shut when the time came for the face mask. Guess what came out? A papaya mask! We both leapt up, ran to the washroom and nearly threw up together.

And geckos: I hate them so much I find it difficult to think about it long enough to write a few lines about them. Also a nightmare but more from a sense of fear than of repulsion. Once I walked through a doorway, closed the door behind me and a gecko fell on me. And it was just the upper part of its body. The bottom half lay on the floor in front of me, writhing.

(Story ends here because our writer couldn’t bear to finish it!)

Two things I hate

This was not easy for me….i guess I don’t have too many pet hatreds! But I did realize I dislike clutter and dirt in my environment. And this is not just at home. Even when I’m out in some parts of the city sometimes I find myself wishing I could clean up all the drooping telephone wires, broken pavements, overflowing drains, torn posters, hideous billboards and crumbling buildings and redesign the spaces to be cleaner and greener. I’m sure it will happen soon though.

Something else I do not like is what I can only call decoration. This includes china dolls, china animals, dwarves, nodding puppets, soft toys in the rear windscreens of cars, shiny dangling items in the front windscreen of cars, spoilers, brassware, flying ducks on the wall, macramé, pottery, carved furniture….

Thank goodness garden gnomes haven’t really made it big here yet.

Two things I hate

Inane programmes on tv. I. hate. them. Chief among these are the tele-dramas which include a parade of women in beautiful saris with immaculate make-up (even when they come out of a dirty kitchen) and start fighting with their mother-in-law, brother, brother’s wife and newly discovered half-sister. A close second is the generic VJ in the music programme with the fake accent and flapping hand motions. AAAArrrrgh.

Public bodily motions. Can people not walk the roads without spitting, coughing up phlegm, blowing their nose, picking their noses and peeing in public – trying to make sure that as many people see them as possible? Not to mention the S.A.M. adjusting his thingies and scratching away at them in full sight of everyone.

Phew. This was actually a very difficult exercise for me. I thought long about which two I want to pick out from my vast universe of pet hates. What makes me virulent? What irritates me? And now I’ve picked two that have just floated to the top of my mind. These are, of course, in addition to my intense hatred of S.A.M.s.

Let’s get nekkid

Isn’t it fascinating, this idea of the naked? Many years ago, a girl cousin who was in East Europe was talking about getting used to a new culture. To a group of extended family members (open-mouthed shock and prurient curiosity) she described the lack of doors (oh my god!) in the shower rooms, and how she first felt self-conscious but later got used to it –‘if you wanna look, you look’ (with a toss of her pretty dancer’s head).

But is nakedness or nudity or whatever you want to call it really such a strange thing? Zip around history and what do you see but butt-naked Olympians and voluptuous goddesses. Are those two men clutching each others’ oiled bodies having sex or is it just sports? Did prohibitions on women in single combat sports have anything to do with the exposure of the female body? And as Wiccans and Naga mystics can show us, you can reach god without clothes as well as with clothes!

Who knows why it is such a problematic thing today? But it is a tantalizing topic. Which is why we asked you how you felt about naked and this is what you came up with. Of course, we started the conversation with this:

Vak: Ok. since no one else wants to comment, I am going to be honest and say that I love being naked, and it makes me feel free and silky and sensual.

Varad: vulnerable.

Vatura: Real. Who invented clothes and modesty?

And these were your comments:

Sean: mmmm… comfortable

Anon 1: Liberated, perceptive and anti-social

Anon 2: I guess it’s a broad topic. I will write my idea about it in 2 ways. In short.

1) Me being naked – I feel shy being naked. Only feel comfy with my girlfriend.

Love to stay naked in bed all day with my naked GF Feels so great.

I don’t do public naked – ex -saunas because it make me feel uncomfortable staying with other people.

2) Others being naked – Love it when my girlfriend is naked

In TV, Movies (Media) – I can’t say i don’t like watching naked girls

MC: naked makes me feel exposed! naked with my significant other makes me feel intimate!

PP: on these days, cold

Buwa: Being naked for me is more connected to being unrestrained,  free and light hearted  in my mind.  So I can attain the feelings Vak describes if I want to, even when I am fully clothed.

REPLY by Vak:

But that is not exactly the same sort of free and unrestrained that you have WITHOUT clothes! That is a free and unrestrained WITH clothes on no!

John: Vulnerable. It’s probably ‘cos I’m fat though!

REPLY by Varad:

Naa, most people think they are fatter than they really are…besides thank god we are all different sizes!

Delilah

beautiful – whatever my body may look like, even on bloated fat days, I FEEL more beautiful the instant i shed all my clothes.

So many different things we feel when we ‘shed our clothes’ as Delilah would say, and I am sure there are many more voices that were silent. Keep writing to us. We like it.

The i-Dawdler

The Guardian’s Charlie Brooker says the I-Pad could be

“the world’s first utterly dedicated timewasting device:
an electronic sedative to rival diazepam, alcohol or television.
If Apple can convince us of that, it’s got itself a hit.”

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2010/feb/01/ipad-therefore-iwant-why-idunno

Moondance 2

Photographed in 2006. (Panasonic Lumix, 12x Leica lens).

Moondance 1

…its a wonderful night for a moondance!

(Photographed tonight around 10pm using a 85mm lens on a Canon 50D)

Breaking up

Breaking up

Does breaking up always involve breaking down?
Throw away your ego as you watch her go
Beg her to stay; knowing it only chases her further away.
Why does breaking up involve breaking down?

Replay everything she said in your head
We were unhappy together but no happier apart
In my hands I hold little pieces of my heart.
Why does breaking up involve breaking down?

Wake up alone. Stare at the phone.
Spend the hot days and cool nights on your own.
Think of how far apart you have grown.
Why does breaking up involve breaking down?

Broken up

I thought I would miss
So much more than I did
But really it wasn’t so much
I waited for pain but it never came,
so was love nothing more
than my crutch?

Now I can do
Whatever I please
I lay around taking my time
I potter about
Being lazy and lout
Is being alone such a crime?

I wish I could find
The so perfect girl
Who would potter about
Just like me
We would lie in sun
and have lots of fun,
lazy and happy and free.

It’s so gay!

This is such a handy phrase – short, cutting, perfectly capturing the strong emotions it evokes while subtly implying that the speaker possesses infinitely superior judgement, sophistication and style than her unfortunate victim. (‘Her’ victim because “It’s so gay!” is so often the property of sophisticated teenaged or young women. No one else can quite achieve that tone of crushing disdain and the scornful delivery required by this, the ultimate put-down).

The phrase is popular though not new, and has traveled to this region along with the clothes, music, technology, accessories and everything else important in the pursuit of being cool. The interesting thing is however, that most of the It’s so gay! fraternity if reprimanded would indignantly chorus: “But I’m not homophobic! I have lots of gay friends…!”

Or: “It’s just a thing that we say. What you getting all worked up about?”

Sigh.

Anyone who doesn’t spend much time around young people and who has not yet experienced this phenomenon could visit one of Colombo’s high-end clothing stores, where a few moments of cruising around the men’s section (at the risk of being accused of being a pervert and/or gay), will almost certainly yield results. First you will hear a male voice ask hopefully: “Sonali, what d’you think of this shirt/shoe/tie/belt/sarong?

The reply will arrive after a moment of deliberation or in really dire instances – instantly: “Oh no, Ravi, – you can’t possibly wear that pink colour! It’s so gay!”

After which Ravi will meekly retire to try his luck again with a more conventional colour/style/design of shirt/shoe/tie/belt/sarong. It’s as if in the great Sri Lankan drive towards universal conformity and general homophobia,“It’s so gay!” is now the official battlecry.

The identical conversation could also take place in the women’s section between Sonali and her best friend Kanthi, when they go shopping together. Each will successfully use the same phrase in order to dissuade the other from buying any item of clothing, jewellery or footwear that doesn’t meet with approval because “It’s so gay!” means it’s uncool, weird, cheesy, effeminate, kitschy or just plain Bad Taste.

Poor Kanthi. She will never get to buy that mad yellow floral tshirt she liked so much because it was too gay. And poor, poor Ravi. Long may he wish to stand out in the crowd wearing wild pinks, cool greens and fabulous flowers across his shirts and sarongs. Sonali will make sure this never happens, certain in the knowledge that pink will ensure the end of her boyfriend’s position as one of the most eligible bachelors around town, while making him vulnerable to the constant danger of appearing thus clad in one of Colombo’s society magazines. Because then, god forbid – everyone will think he’s gay.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TVicCD8FmMs

One big tropical zoo.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/10/travel/10places.html?em

One big tropical zoo. This is what Sri Lanka has been called in the recent New York Times article titled “31 places to go in 2010″. Sri Lanka is number one on that list – no mean feat for such a small country I am proud to say. But a zoo it is, not so much for the elephants that roam freely (well, not exactly freely – electric fences have been helpful!) but more for the people who seem to have lost all sense of purpose and direction because of the upcoming elections. Lives are being lost through election related violence and it is virtually accepted and expected…a man is attacked, a 19 year old killed… its all part of living in the zoo.

But going back to the story of Sri Lanka being 2010’s number one travel destination. I’m joyful and I’m excited for all those folks who want to visit this lovely island. But it’s also bad news for us locals. We won’t be able to afford to stay in any halfway decent hotel, one where you don’t have to repeat your order five times before the waiter gets it right! If we’re to benefit from our new status as number one, we first need to change our tune of ‘Na’ and ‘Ba’.

‘Na’ and ‘Ba’ – (or ‘no’ and ‘can’t’). These two words seem to be the standard refrain for many who work in the Sri Lankan service industry.

“Can I have a mango juice?” I would ask. (And I’m ordering from a menu.) And the answer is: “Not available today, miss.” Or I arrive at a restaurant at 10pm and the waiter says “We’re closed.”

If we want to start serving the multitude of tourists that the New York Times recommendation will surely bring to our shores, we will need to learn a thing or two about proper service. At the moment, the one thing we do well is smile. But what’s the use of a smile when we rarely get the order right or the food served hot and on time?

Today, all our hotels are full and the world seems to have landed on our doorstep. But if we want to sustain this trend and keep them coming, we need to examine our service standards and then we need to change.

Are we ready for that?

The strategies of sex

Some time back we ran a post by Vak, titled ‘Words of wisdom on sex’ which posed some interesting questions about the problems associated with sustaining sexual interest in a monogamous relationship. We know that generally accepted evolutionary theory shows that the reasons for and levels of interest in sex with the same person over a long period of time are very different for men and women:

“Because reproduction is the key to survival of the human species, men appear to have developed a short-term sexual strategy, as men who pursue multiple partners are more likely to out-reproduce men with one partner. Therefore, men’s mating strategies includes a desire for sexual variety making the chances higher that if reproduction is not successful with one female, it will be with another.

According to the journal article Sex Differences in Sexual Psychology Produce Sex-Similar Preferences for a Short-Term Mate: Men desire nearly five times as many sexual partners than do women over a lifetime. Men’s sexual fantasies also reveal a psychology attuned to sexual variety. Men’s sexual fantasies more than women’s sexual fantasies include multiple and unfamiliar partners.

This modern day psychology of the human male is no doubt an offshoot from his male ancestors who were physiologically prompted to over-reproduce to insure survival of the species.

Women, on the other hand, do not appear to have such a physiological need to procreate with multiple males, as women do not compete with other females in terms of reproduction during sexual encounters. Therefore, short-term sexual partners for women may function only to evaluate possible long-term mates, and serve more of a social function whether than a sexual or reproductive one.”

http://socyberty.com/sexuality/sexual-attraction-evolution-and-biology/

So women are not so much interested in quantity as in quality. While men seek to mate with the maximum number of partners, women seek to locate the best possible partner – one who will father strong, healthy children and also stick around to help look after them.

When it comes to homosexuality, the above equation must change a lot. Since this type of sexual encounter does not result in offspring, natural selection cannot operate as usual. So I guess gay men and lesbians are more likely to be more interested in sex for the sake of pleasure!

Interestingly, in his book, Straight Science? Homosexuality, Evolution and Adaptation, Jim McKnight writes, “Homosexuality is a major puzzle for evolutionary theory, for if evolution has a purpose it is reproductive fitness, the passing of genes to our children.” Natural selection should weed out the less fit of the species and those who carry genes for a certain genetic anomaly breed less and diminish their genetic representation in the population.” McKnight indicates this should gradually flush out the “gay” gene since over several generations, homosexual men would produce less offspring and their genes would eventually fade from the gene pool. Biologically, this would mean that homosexuality has some function in nature, since well-adapted genes adapt and survive, and clearly, the genetic predisposition for homosexuality has done so… (See above link for more.)

We can draw our own conclusions from all this. Either way, the issues surrounding long term sexual relationships in a contemporary context do seem to be more complex than one would think!